What’s up everyone.
Fell off the wagon and relapsed with alcohol and drugs again.
Can have drink but it is like Russian roulette if it leads to any drug after.
Crazy stuff apparently tried hurting myself and getting some two girl dominatrix hookers to hurt me and kill me mad bizarre crazy sex stuff 🤣 Stuff which have zero interest in or like, at all, in my sober mind not on drugs, when I come around from these near suicidal drug only induced (any heavy drug in truth), some sort of self harm episodes. Possibly got spiked earlier in the week too. Talking gibberish in some sort of only though when hard drug-induced escalating behavior when these dark episodes hit. No more. Definitely say no to drugs. 34 next week and time to settle down in the years ahead and take it easy. Thankfully just went home and fell asleep in the end and am okay. With no more America now definitely time to find a nice girl and settle down 100% in the future. Taking a holiday to Sicily this summer also for a week or two. Will settle in Italy. Italians have lots of gyms and are very good at socializing. Over the years I lost my ability a little to socialize so they will help a lot with that. Need to try to be more sociable with strangers. Need to work on communication skills for sure after all these years or carnage.
In the end, during this process over the years, traced it all back to childhood trauma in the end but drugs are also like some sort of self harm self destructive thing for me on their own. All the hard drugs at least. All of them. Stupid really seems to go back to feeling worthless, abandoned and not having parents (my real biological ones) whom tried to meet me, one of them, and died years ago and wrote to me before she got a chance, and that they didn’t love me (which is a lie, I know they did). Tough to even say all this pretty horrific stuff but maybe it may help someone. Some sort of long term grief agitated by something bad that happened this week.
I asked myself was I going mad and insane the next day or was it some sort of psychosis episode but sober now and come round.
Senses returning. Am okay. Lucky to be alive, again. Overall have improved hugely these last few years and will comeback stronger again.
Probably the worst week of my life with no US Visa this week now after chasing it so long and having to say goodbye to some friends in America just for now who are more family than friends in truth. Other than the week of learning of the death of my mother before getting a chance to meet her.
And another week reading her letters trying to meet me for the first time before she died. Can’t wait to finally meet one day and tell her in person how much I love her and give her a hug.
Also, some more grief this week, had to do some not good calls to say goodbye to some dear friends in America this week as don’t know when I will see them again now. Certainly not in America as not moving there now. But if not in Europe then certainly in the next life. These people having been like family to me in recent years and after my faith in God, helped me get through the pandemic as my main support system. This website would have been gone and my work without them. They will always be family to me. Always. I am going to miss them a lot. I love them very much. Grieving this week saying goodbye to them, just for now. The only way you’ll ever get me in America again or Americans in America will see me over there again is through marrying an American woman. No way going there on those business terms the US government specifies. No way.
Also, love all our readers too and thanks for all your support over the years.
Have had better weeks but will carry on of course. Lot’s of great fights this month to look forward to. Back soon. Life is all about moving on. God is good. Not perfect, just forgiven.
Things always come good again. Seen it time and time again. Look forward to catching up on the fights shortly after this weekend. Heavy week this week. Some grieving to do in the coming weeks but will fine. Am okay. Back soon as per usual.